As ever, I had no clue about the a science, but I knew to hug Ava as if I would never let her go.
Shortly after, I had a brainwave. Something that would resolve all our outstanding complications in one fell swoop. Something I marveled that I had not thought of before. Something that involved bending my bad knee and holding out a diamond ring.
I’d held back. My age weighed on me. How long would we have together? But now that the baby was coming, that seemed moot. One thing the loss of Vanessa and Josh had taught me was that you never know how long you have. What is important is to make the time you have count. She said yes. Tearfully, holding her bump.- – –
We waited. We wanted to be sure. Then, we booked a West Coast flight. I’d told Alexis that I wanted to see Sophia, and that I had some news. Of course she bugged me as to what, but I wanted to tell my daughter face to face.
When Alexis saw us walking out of SFO, and how protectively I was acting around Ava, she knew. Ava’s altered body shape was confirmation. I was scared of course, but she hugged us both. It wasn’t going to be a problem. I loved my daughter and was thankful for her understanding.
In a private moment the next day, Alexis surprised me by saying how she had sensed something on the day of the funerals. She then felt that maybe she was jumping at shadows, reading too much into an emotional time.
“But, Dad, it didn’t freak me out. It made me calmer. Made me think that maybe someone was there for you. I don’t know Ava that well. But how you look at her. How you speak to her. This is a good thing, Dad. And I think it will help Josh to rest more easily.”- – –
On the flight home, I raised a subject that had been on my mind for some time.
“Honey, I have to ask. Did you have a plan? Was this the future you saw? The one you wanted? Or did things just creep up on you, the way they did with me?”
Ava smiled serenely. She already had that pregnancy glow.
“I think sometimes, a man of judgement, knows when it’s best not to press a question. I always thought you had such good judgement, honey.”
And that was as much as she would say.- – –
Ava and I decided to get married after the birth. Ava wanted to wear her old dress, and that connection to our shared past brought me to tears. We both felt Josh’s presence. Not in any supernatural way, neither of us believed in such nonsense. But the memories, how his life had touched us both. How he would always be a part of us.
When the surgeon lifted our son out of Ava’s womb, and placed him on her chest, it felt like closure. Features are impossible to discern in a new born, but it soon became apparent that he had his Mother’s hair, but his Father’s face. Josh’s face. We never thought of him as Josh reincarnated, that was absurd.
But it was equally absurd to reject the connection, to deny history. We named him Matthew, it had been Ava’s Father’s name. Matthew Joshua Anderson. I truly believe that few children have ever been more wanted.