Seated now, Ava buried her face in my shoulder and wept disconsolately. Her sorrow spilled into anger and she beat on my chest with her fist.
“Why, Martin? Why were they taken from us?”
I had no answers. The World was a cruel place, our journey through it was essentially random, and life was fragile. All true, none suitable consolation for a twenty-nine year old widow. I let her take it out on me. Alexis leaned, put a hand on Ava’s shoulder, and she collapsed into sobbing again. I put my arms round her and lied that it would all be OK. I knew nothing would be OK. Not ever.- – –
They say that time heals all wounds. That’s bullshit. Some wounds are too deep. Ava had, of course, remained at the house after the funeral. Sending her home alone to her apartment would have be cruel and unusual punishment. And she just sort of stayed.
Alexis and Bob had departed with my granddaughter. I’d promised to visit in the Summer; and to FaceTime. The next day, Ava was sitting in the kitchen, her packed bag beside her. Staring into a cup of coffee.
“I don’t think I can do it, Martin.”
We’d talked about what she should call me and Van before the wedding. So long as it wasn’t Mr and Mrs Anderson, anything else was fine by us. She’d toyed with Mom and Dad, but I think the memory of her departed parents haunted her. We settled on Martin and Vanessa.
“What can’t you do, honey?”
She dropped her head and seemed to squeeze her cup harder.
“I can’t go back to the apartment. All our things, all those memories. Coming back to it after the wedding. After the honeymoon. I just can’t. I think I’m going to sell it.”
I moved closer to her and put a hand on her shoulder. She looked up with tears forming in her eyes.
“Can I…? Can I stay here for a bit? Until the sale goes through. Until I find somewhere else.”
My heart went out to her. This woman that my son had loved so much. Who had become part of our family so quickly and naturally.
“Ava. You are family. Whatever you call me, you’re my daughter. You can stay as long as you like. To be honest, I was dreading you leaving. This place? So big and just me rattling around in it. I’d welcome the company. It’s not as if…”
The tears overwhelmed me. I stumbled and reached for the table blindly, feeling the world spin round me. Ava stood and steadied me. She pulled out the chair next to her and eased me down. Turning her own chair to face me, she took both my hands, and we sat. Not sharing words, but sharing loss.
What I had said was true. The house felt less empty with her around. The weight of Vanessa’s absence was less severe. I guessed it was the same for her. I had always though that Josh had chosen brilliantly. Ava was obviously crazy smart, but she was funny, and compassionate, and interested in so many things. No one could take the place of my real daughter, but Alexis was far away. And, somehow, Ava became the focus of my life.
It wasn’t as if either of us were miraculously healed. I often cried at night, thinking of cuddling against Van’s warmth. I often woke feeling the bottom had fallen out of The World and that I was in free-fall to oblivion. Ava and I talked. She had the same anxiety, the same sorrow. It bound us closer again. Her apartment was sold, but I told her there was no need to leave until she wanted to. I was honest with her and said that I’d like her to stay. To stay for me.