“You’re not so old, Martin. And thank you for the compliment. You mentioned Josh. It’s sort of Josh I want to talk to you about.”
She leaned towards me. Wanting to speak softly.
“Martin, I feel I have nothing to live for. I feel so empty. Work doesn’t mean what it used to. In fact I blame work. He’d wanted to, he’d really wanted to. And I had this major project. And… and then it was too late. You think you have time…”
She trailed off leaving me confused.
“I know, honey. I know. I miss both Van and Josh, every hour, every day. But, I have something to live for. I have Alexis. And Sophia. And, Ava, I have you. I hoped that maybe I had helped… you know, just a little…”
It was my turn to run out of words.
“Of course you have helped.”
She squeezed my hand.
“Without you… well… I have been thinking about Dad a lot…”
Tears sprung into her eyes and a cold horror into my heart. I went and knelt in front of Ava, embracing her. Holding her close. This was nothing strange, we always tried to comfort each other, and sometimes physical comfort is more powerful than words.
I raised her lovely face. I kissed her forehead.
“Now, no more of that, Ava. You don’t need to despair. You have me. You will always have me.”
She nodded and wiped away her tears.
“I know, and I’m grateful, truly. But… but I need more.”
“What do you need, Ava? What can I do to help?”
A shudder ran through her. She tried to collect herself, but her voice was hoarse and trembled as she spoke.
“I did an awful job of explaining. Let me go slower. Josh wanted to have children. He wanted to start trying even before we were married.”
I nodded. He’d talked to me about it.
“But.. I… It’s not that I didn’t, I did. But I thought later. I thought maybe when I’d finished the project. We were so close to a breakthrough, and… and, at least back then, it seemed important. Not anymore. Not now. So… so we agreed to wait. Not long. A year, maybe. But we never had that year.”
Again she began to sob, but more softly than before.
“It’s OK, Ava. Take your time. It’s OK.”
She took a few deep breaths. As if she was preparing to dive into water. And then she dove.
“I want that still. I want the baby I can’t have. I want his baby, Martin.”
I held her again. Her slim form heaving. I was bemused, no idea where this conversation was going. But I knew to hold her.
She rallied a little, and pulled back from my embrace.
“But, I can’t. I know I can’t. I thought about adopting. I thought about a sperm bank. But that doesn’t work. I don’t want a baby, I want his baby.”
She bowed her head.
“I understand, Ava. But there is nothing to be done. It’s heart-breaking, I know.”
Ava slowly raised her eyes, her head to one side, looking at me slightly askew.
“Well… oh fuck this is hard!”
In all the time that I had known her, I’d never heard Ava use an expletive. It was jarring.
“I can’t have Josh’s baby. I know.”
She looked at me unblinkingly.
“But I can maybe do the next best thing.”
She was silent. It took me some seconds to realize her meaning. Then it hit me.