She put a hand on my knee.
“It’s so kind of you to even talk about this. If it gets too much, we can stop.”
“OK, I’ll shout if it gets that way.”
It was my turn to take some deep breaths.
“What do they say? The elephant in the room? If we do this. And please, I don’t know yet. But if we do. What am I to the child? What do we even tell it?”
“That’s a tough one. I spent a while thinking about it. My conclusion was, it’s totally up to you. At one extreme, this would just be between us, the child doesn’t need to know anything. At another, we are open and say you are its father. In between, I suppose there are options around grandfather. What do you want to do?”
This was something I had been wrestling with last night.
“The honest answer is, I don’t know. For me, I think I’d like it to know I’m its father. But then, I think what would be best for the child? And that could be another answer. There is also legal stuff to consider and inheritance.”
“I know this is hard, Martin. Want to take a break?”
“No. No. I’m good. There is also the extent that you might want me to be involved in rearing the child. That links to the last question. I think I’d like to be involved, more than involved. But, what if you meet someone else? I know you said you weren’t interested. But that could change. Christ! This is complicated.”
“So, I’m going to say again, it’s up to you. I don’t have any financial or time expectations. As far as I am concerned you can be a doting grandparent, I don’t need anything more; I promise I will never demand anything more. But if you want to, then that’s great, and I’m sure we can work something out.”
She paused. Then her voice was tremulous.
“Other people? I don’t know, that feels like a long time off, if ever. But you are right, I could change my mind. There could be someone…”
Ava looked at me, eyes blinking in the early morning sun. She seemed to be wresting with some internal emotion. To be about to say something. Then she appeared to change her mind. Once more her tone became considered.
“Can I just say that I trust you to treat any change in circumstance in a way that is best for the child? Our child.”
That emphasis brought me up short.
“Our child? Is that what you think?”
“Yes of course. I don’t mean by that anything more than biological reality. We should legally record parentage, regardless of what we tell the child. I’d want to know you were there if anything happened to me. And, if I did meet someone, then you would have rights, and I promise to both respect them and to work out anything amicably.”
“OK. I have other questions. Lots. But I’d like to digest this conversation. Can I have some more time? I really don’t want to mess this up.”
“Of course, Martin. It’s just… well…”
“What is it Ava?”
“Well, one reason to talk to you now is my cycle. We could… we could try in two days time. I’m not trying to pressure you. OK, that’s a lie, I know I am, but I guess I feel bad about it. We can wait another month, if that makes sense. I don’t want to screw this up either. And I don’t want to ruin our relationship. So think really hard about whether you can really cope with this. I won’t hate you if you say no. Nothing will change between us. I’m already so grateful that you are even thinking about it.”