She stood and embraced me. Hugged me tightly. Then she kissed me on the lips. A chaste kiss, but a startling one. She said nothing else apart from that I should take as much time as I needed.
Our coffee and our talk both finished, we walked back to the house.- – –
We didn’t see so much of each other for the rest of the day. Ava had a competitor’s draft paper that she was reviewing for a journal, and I decided a walk would do me good. There was park not far from the house, and I strode many of its paths, trying to get things straight in my head.
The words I kept returning to were Ava talking about her father’s suicide. I knew Ava. There was nothing melodramatic about her. If she said that she had been thinking, then she meant it, and ideation was probably only a step away. So many contradictory thoughts swarmed through my mind, but one was crystal clear. I was not going to lose someone else, least of all like that. I refused to.
I obviously wasn’t entirely compos mentis on the day, as I had forgotten both a hat and sunscreen. Ava scolded me for my reddened face when I got back. She was right, I should take better care of myself. I should start that right now.
Suitably chastised, I suggested that we order some food to be delivered, and told Ava that I’d like to talk while we waited. A phone call and we were sitting at either end of a leather couch, perhaps a little nervous of each other, a feeling that was unfamiliar to both of us.
“Ava. I was going to say that I’ve made a decision. That’s probably putting it too strongly. I’m muddled about a lot of stuff. But I know two things, I want to help, and — regardless of what we tell it or other people — I liked you saying our child. You were kind enough to say that you thought I would act in the child’s interest. Let me repay the compliment. I don’t know what we’ll agree, but I know we will reach a sensible agreement about everything. I trust you. And…”
I had to wipe a tear away.
“…and you are dear to me and I know how much this means to you. I’ll do my best, I’ll try to help.”
Ava clasped her hands together.
“So, that’s… a yes?”
Her tone of supplication was heart-rending.
“It’s a yes. Though at my age…”
She flung her arms round me and kissed me. On the cheek this time, but more firmly than ever before.
“Thank you, Martin. You’re only fifty. It will be fine. I just know it will all be fine.”
I didn’t share Ava’s certainty about outcomes. But I knew I was certain I wanted to do this. For her, but also maybe for the memory of my dead son.- – –
Ava had said that it was good to have a cooling off period. Her proposal was that we start on Monday evening. She said we should carry out the protocol on three consecutive days. I had to smile at the use of the work protocol, always the scientist. This schedule meant we had all of Sunday and most of Monday to reflect.
We didn’t talk further. In fact, on Sunday, we kept out of each other’s way. I picked up the vibe that Ava didn’t want to pressure me any further. We had breakfast, and our evening meal together, but spoke about nothing of consequence. I saw an old friend during the day, my best friend I guess. I was so tempted to confide in him. To ask for his advice. But this wasn’t just my secret. It was private, private between me and Ava. We both retired early, but sleep would not come for me.