One day, I had been away at a job site in the town next to ours, and after being done for the day, I returned home to find a car parked in the lawn. For sure, I knew that car didn’t belong to anyone I knew, so parking my car next to that one, I walked to the door, wondering who it was.
Entering through the door, I saw my mother sitting with a man. He seemed to be a few years older than her, and she was sitting close to him. Frowning upon seeing the scene in front of me, questions crept into my mind.
Seeing my confused look, my mother held his hand and said, “Son, meet Robert, my husband, your stepfather.”
“Stepfather?” My brain was not braining; it was too much for me to see my mother with another man and so close together.
Even when my father was alive, sometimes I used to get jealous seeing them cuddling in front of me, and I would just leave the room, thinking that my thoughts were wrong and disgusting. The way I felt about my mother was taboo, but I could never get over it. I tried to ignore those thoughts as much as I could. I like to think no one saw those feelings in me, but I still had them.
There was one time though. I clearly remember the talk I had with my father. I think he noticed me looking at his wife and how I gazed at her passionately, like a man does. He didn’t berate me or show any anger for having feelings like that towards his wife—my mother. He just talked with me like a friend and helped me understand that it was just a phase and I would soon get over it.
But my father didn’t know that the feelings only got stronger the more I grew up with them. I just got better at hiding them.
I had much more selfish and vile thoughts after my father died, and thought now that my father wasn’t around, I could be her man. I could be with her. That’s how I perceived it. But after realizing what I was thinking and remembering my father, I felt disgusted with myself. Should I be thinking like that about the man and woman who raised me? I didn’t know; I had no one to talk to. It was just me and my own thoughts.
I didn’t let my intrusive thoughts win. I tried my best to be there for her, got a job, took care of the bills, and maintained the house while she healed. But I didn’t see this coming.
And, of course, she would be looking for another man. But my father passed away just four months ago. How could she move on so quickly? They seemed like a charming couple who were deeply devoted to each other.
“What did you say?” I could barely hear my voice.
My mother, still holding his hands, said, “We got married. We met last month and hit it right off. I hope you can understand and be happy for us.”
I think something happened to my brain as her words seemed to slow down and my mind was racing with a mix of emotions. It might sound like I’m exaggerating, but that was how I felt at the moment. I thought she was just trying to relax, getting dressed up and going out all those times, maybe meeting her old friends again.
Yeah, I was an idiot, not to put two and two together—dressing up, going out, spending money. My love for her had blinded me. I mean, it had been hard for me, when my father was around, to ignore my thoughts, but if my father was the one who had been with her, I could handle it. But not another man.
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