“I love you too, Ronny. But with a mother’s love that is tender and caring. Not the same as with someone you want to be intimate with.”
“I think there’s room for both, Mom. I love you as the mother who always took care of me, but yesterday I felt your naked body, wanted you, tasted you, and my body was ready to cum inside you as a woman, not just as my mother. Your body was ready too.”
I didn’t want to admit what he said was true. My body had tingled and burned to his touch. The sight of his penis had made me want to touch it, possess it, and devour it. All shameful thoughts and acts. It had left me unfulfilled though, and that debt still cried out for payment. I still hungered, even though my mind wanted to deny it.
I couldn’t refute what he was saying, so I tried another angle. “Ronny, you haven’t even thought about the consequences. Do you really believe at 18 you’re ready to be a father? Because that’s what you’d be, a father to our child.” Those words “our child” shocked me once I heard myself say them. It would be OUR CHILD.
“Believe me, Mom. I’ve thought about it. I’m ready to do whatever it takes. I know I’ll have to treat our child like a brother or a sister, but I’ll always know what’s true and be ready to take responsibility.”
I wished we had another thousand miles to drive, but here we were, pulling into our driveway, and me facing a promise I never wanted to make.
**************************
I threw my keys on the kitchen table. Instead of the usual “clank” the sound was muffled by the new tablecloth. I ran my hand over it.
“It’s pretty, Mom. I’m glad you picked it out.”
“Yeah. It was a good decision. I wish I made more of THOSE.”
Ronny took my hands in his and said, “Mom, all my life you’ve done the right thing and made the best decisions you could. All when Dad’s been away from us and you had to be strong. You don’t know how much I appreciate that.”
“Then why won’t you go along with my decision now?”
“Because there’s so much involved and the stakes are so high with Dad you need to step back and look at it different. You would regret forever what you were going to do.”
“And you don’t think I’m going to regret what YOU want to do?”
“When you look into the face of that new baby, how much room will there be in your heart for regret?”
Maybe Ronnie was maturing. He certainly acted like he had thought things over.
“It’s no sure thing you know. What if I DON’T get pregnant? What if all I’m left with is the thought I let my son have sex with me, that I cheated on my husband with my son?”
“Then … then you’ll have to believe we did it for the right reasons. That we really tried to make the best thing that could be happen. That we tried the best we could.”
He took me into his arms and I was too exhausted to do anything but rest there with my head on his shoulder. After a moment, he said, “Dad told me to give you a kiss for him.” He gently lifted my chin with his forefinger and met my lips with a feather-light touch of his.
“Ronny ….” I couldn’t think of what to say.